Feeling abandond

I know at times I can seem well...crazy. I'm very possesive of those that I love. Lately one of my friends has been MIA due to a new job and her tribe of beautiful children. I know that as an adult I need to be willing to share my friends but at times I still struggle with that especially when it's with a friend I rarely get the privelage to see. I'm feeling abandond. I know it's just my own insanity screwing with me but I really miss my time with this friend :(.

On a brighter note I have decided to make some changes in my life. One of these changes is working towards a degree! The other is getting healthy again. I have put on 40 pounds since leaving my husband and I feel disgusting. It's time for a change now I just have to get disaplined enough to make that change. UGH!

Big Changes...

So it has been a LONG time since my last post. I am now living on my own. I am currently going through a divorce and this is a totally foreign chapter in my life. For the first time ever I am totally responsible for myself and my kids. I have a nice 2 bedroom apartment and while I did spiral out of control for a while I am working to get my life back. I go back to work on July 4th (yay...sigh) and I'm hoping I will have another job starting very soon to bring in more money.

I never thought I would ever reach a point of enjoying being alone but having my own apartment has given me a sence of independance that I never thought I would have. I am contemplating going to school again. I have no idea what for specifically but maybe a couple of pre requisit classes to begin with would be a good idea.

The details surrounding my divorce I wont post about but I will say that going through a divorce is probably the most emotionally devistating thing I have ever done. I chose this path and I still struggle with whether or not it was the right choice. I do miss my ex husband and I think I will always love him. We had 10 years together and two beautiful daughters. Luckily our talks have gotten friendly again and we are trying to be friends. He is truly supportive of me when I am doing the right thing and after what has been done to him it is GREATLY appreciated.

On a lighter note, thanks to my ex husband and my friend Kc my daughters are potty trained. We still have accidents but I'm so proud! Brey starts KINDERGARTEN this year! Where the hell did the time go? I think the thing I'm struggling with the most is how to juggle my girls, work, and taking them to school...it's gonna be crazy but I know I have loving supportive family and friends that will help me when they can.

This is a very off the wall jumbled blog but I just feel so good right now I needed to post it.

I think I'm going to start a new blog...more like a daily journal of my thoughts and feelings so that I can track my personal progress emotionally through this process and learn what makes me tick.

A tisket a tasket are you sure you don't want to use that gasket?!

So for my audience of two...wow I'm a killer blogger, I believe you are aware that I am doing lots of household upgrades/improvements. We had big dreams all year long of what wonderful things would take place at tax time around our home but as things do it didn't quite pan out as we had hoped. Surprisingly enough the thing I set out to do that meant the most to me was accomplished. Our baby (Natilee) now has her very own twin size bed complete with butterfly bedding. She is on cloud 9 and bedtime has been amazing ever since we moved her out of her sister's room and into her own room with her "big girl bed".

Our second home improvement project of 2011 was installing some MUCH needed ceiling fans in the bedrooms of our home. The south facing portion of my home (upstairs) is incredibly hot in the summer. My girls rooms are easily 10 degrees warmer than my room so some good quality ceiling fans were a must to help reduce our ever increasing electric bill. I pulled a bit of a shenanigan with one of the ceiling fans because the one we had from a year ago the motor blew so we bought the same one took the new motor out and returned the ceiling fan with the old motor...shut up I know it was bad but if they wouldn't have designed such a shotty product I wouldn't have had to do this. Shaunn opted to not put the gaskets in where the blades go and I insisted that this would some how lead to our demise. He still assures me there will be no leaks ;).

Onto the more exciting improvements we are currently or will be making. We bought a wonderful security door for our home and I could not be happier with the outcome. It is a beautiful brown and it matches our house so nicely. I can feel safe leaving my front door open in the spring/fall to enjoy the nice cool air that we Arizonans are blessed to have.

We also decided (on a whim) to invest in a new vanity for our daughters bathroom. Their bathroom is the one room in the house that clashes with the rest of the house. It has vinyl flooring that is peeling up, a very out dated vanity, one of those pieces of glass that they call a mirror but just looks tacky, and it is just bland all together. We were very excited about the deal we managed to get on this but I will get into that towards the end of this blog.

Finally our last BIG purchase was a nice dresser for our master bedroom. The dresser we have right now shouldn't even be labeled a dresser. The drawers are practically hanging and it's just falling apart. I would have been much happier buying the deep freeze I so desperately wanted but when all is said and done we NEEDED a dresser while the deep freeze would have just been a nice luxury for myself.

Onto my savings (my favorite part). Now in most cases if you were to add those items up at full price we would have been looking at somewhere around 2 to 3 thousand dollars and that is if you went with low end crap. We purchased very nice things and all said and done I spent a grand total of $770! That is a beautiful vanity mirror combo, very large 6 drawer dresser, security door, bathroom light fixture, twin mattress and box spring set, and 2 ceiling fans!!!! The lesson here folks is you don't have to be rich to have/do nice things. My best friend just did recessed lighting through out her entire upstairs of her house for under 300 dollars! The key is doing your do diligence and finding the best deal. Remember you work for your money why not stretch it as far as you can while getting high quality things?

The next thing we are looking to do is to tile the girls bathroom. This project is something we will have to save up for over the next couple of months because it is costly. We will be using a nicer tile (looking for re-sale here people) and the girls bathroom is on the larger side so it means a descent price tag. We will NOT spend more than $300 on the entire project though I can assure you of that. We need 4 to 5 boxes of tile at $30 a box, grout (i have no idea), the proper tools, spacers, and whatever else you need to lay tile...if you haven't guessed already when I say "we" as it pertains to this project what I really mean is Shaunn.

All in all I'm at a pretty good place in life right now. I am enjoying being a working full time mommy and I am enjoying putting love into my home. I will post pics as the work is completed. Thank you for reading my less than thrilling blog :D

Out with the old in with the new

Well it is 1am Christmas Eve morning and I am yet again struggling to fall asleep due to some intense pain I am experiencing in my back. Sleep deprivation has it's benefits though, I have decided to write down my final thoughts about this year. To say that this year has been a roller coaster is a MAJOR understatement. I have suffered great loss and also benefited from some wonderfull gains.

At the beginning of this year my family lost my father in law. This was a devistating blow to all of us and continues to be difficult to swallow. I think we have all felt his presence in our own special way since he passed and I know he is here with all of us in spirit but to be honest it isn't good enough. I really wish I could talk to him still and see the gobs and gobs of pictures he would surely be taking of his two handsome grand sons if he was still here.

This year has been full of learning experiences for me. I lost someone I thought was my very best friend in the world and it killed me. The amazing thing was after she left the picture I realized our friendship was pretty toxic. The loss I experienced with her actually brought my best friend Kc and I together. I have never met a more selfless person in my life. Kc has really been my rock this year. Through every rough moment she has been there for me. Our friendship makes me laugh because we really are pretty lame. We practically jump for joy over the opportunity to go grocery shopping together without kids or to just sit and gab while cleaning up after our families. She helps me keep my wild side in check. Kc, I know I write these cheesy heart felt mushy blogs entirely too much for your taste but I sincerely appreciate you. You are like the sister I never had and I love you and your family. Thank you for keeping me in line and always being honest with me...YOU ROCK! Oh and on a side note...thanks again for jumping over gobs of toys on black Friday to retrieve those cameras for me :D

There have also been some BIG changes in my family. My step dad came home from Iraq in October and we were all VERY happy to see him. He seems to be un scathed this time and it is truly a pleasure to have him home again. His grand daughters are really enjoying getting to know him and Breyauna even calls him Papa!

Shaunn just got moved from the store he started his management career in and that was a very rough thing for him to swallow and he continues to work through it in whatever man way he can lol. His new store is in south Phoenix and let's just say there are some ladies that hang around the outside of the store that have questionable career choices. One good thing (optimist) that we are told could come from this transition is the possibility of another promotion for my husband! We are told it would be towards the end of 2011 so please keep Shaunn and my family in your prayers :D.

One big change that just took place for me is a JOB! I KNOW RIGHT?! Lainy with a job...can it be??? Why yes! I am an underwriter for GE Retail Finance...well I will be anyways. I start my training January 10th and I'm very excited. I will be working from home part time and I'm excited to get started. It will be so nice to be bringing in some money to help my husband out.

Breyauna and Natilee have had a fantastic year at their new preschool here in surprise. They absolutely love school and are learning so much. Brey continues to learn new words and tries very hard to communicate with us. Some new words she has are "mawnie" (which is daddy) "dwee deems" (sweet dreams) "ni ni" (night night) "Bo bo" (our cat) "Gocks" (socks) "jews" (shoes) and she is trying really hard to say juice. Brey is also working really hard to potty train fully. Natilee is a bucket of laughs. She is just a silly little girl. She adores all animals especially dogs. She tends to play by herself a lot or along side other children playing but hasn't really figured out how to play with others yet. She is a master eater and loves fruit. Both of our girls are very popular in preschool which of course makes me beam :D.

Shaunn and I are doing very well. We have come a long way this year. I think our 9 years together has tought us that you have to take your relationship a day at a time. We work through things as they come our way. We are learning to respect eachother and embrace our differances. I can't believe that in 8 months we will officially be together for a decade! When exactly did I get that old?

All in all this year has been a good one. I'm at peace right now with my life and it feels good. I hope 2011 brings me a skinnier body, my husband an awesome promotion, Breyauna the know how to become fully potty trained, and Natilee the ability to vocalize.

To all my family and friends I love you all and hope that 2011 is the best year ever for you all!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year :D :D :D

Update's on my family :D

The way I figure things, you can never update enough! So I figured I would once again tell you all where my family is at and what has been going on.

I guess I will start with me. I have been trying my best to do all that I can do as a mom and wife. We have a very strict schedule now. I am up by 7am (most mornings) and I usually do a few things around the house, check fb and my email outside while sipping my Diet Dr. Pepper, and then go in the house and begin waking the girls and prepairing us all for the day ahead. I put the girls down promptly at 8pm and prior to that we of course eat a home made meal and spend some family time together. Shaunn and I recently made the decision to become foster parents so we are finishing the application portion of that right now. I have also started cleaning and organizing things to make the house baby proof. I turned the spare room into the "baby" room. I put one of our toy shelves with the tubs in that room and put only baby safe toys in it. The other toy shelf has all big girl toys and I will eventually put that in the girls room when we do get a baby so that we don't have to worry about choking hazards. There are certain things that will have to wait until we are almost certified like buying locks for our closets to lock meds and cleaners, buying a fire ladder for upstairs, drawing up a floor plan with emergency exits clearly drawn out, and prepairing for our food storage evaluation. I am truly excited about this. I feel like God has this in his plan for us and I'm going with it.

Shaunn continues to work very hard. He is now running two stores which provides us with a little more income. He has started trying to tint his windows which has proven to be a pain in the neck for him but anything to keep him busy is a good thing! Shaunn has done so well at work lately that he managed to make full bonus this time around so much of that money will be put into savings for Christmas so that we can give back to our loved ones that do so much for us during the year.

Tomorrow is Brey and Natilee's open house at school! We get to meet their teachers and see their classrooms! I am so excited for my girls. I think this will be very beneficial for both of them. Brey is saying more and more words. We recently bought them flash cards that have pictures of objects (ball, cup, plate, shoe, etc.) and animals! They love these cards and we enjoy spending time with them while teaching them. I also purchased (finally!) a shapes puzzle and Brey spent most of the evening plugging the shapes into their homes. We also recently purchased a swing set for our girls and they absolutely ADORE it. It is very exciting providing them with all of this stuff.

Natilee is such a little monkey! She is now about 24 pounds and still short as can be! She is a pretty mellow child unless she is being touched by her older sister...then she screams as loud as possible which, by the way, is super annoying. She is suddenly acting very finicky about food. She wont eat meat and doesn't really eat much more than pasta, cereal, peanut butter and jelly, and fruit. I am forcing her to at least try the stuff on her plate but aside from making her try it and hoping for the best I'm not sure what else to do because of her mental age. Oh that brings me to a recent nuerology appointment. I gave you her height and weight already but I ddin't really touch on some of the things we spoke about. Natilee is developmentally at about a year old. She is physically 3. This is very sad for us but we are confidant that some day she will catch up with her physical age.

Our little family is doing quite well right now. I hope the rest of the year goes smoothly and without too much chaos. I hope everyone else is having a good year!

-Lainy

A wonderful blog!

An old high school friend of mine has an amazing blog! She does a lot of reviews on different products ranging from house hold cleaners to baby furniture! Right now she is doing a baby shower bash!

She is featuring reviews on baby items and doing some really amazing give aways! Right now she has a beautifull crib set by CoCaLo Naturals. I am hoping to win this give away because I am currently working hard to become a foster mom and it would be lovely to have such a beautiful bedding set for the babies we get. Go check her out!

Hard decisions and new found hope

Some times in life we are handed difficult decisions. Our wants have to take the back burner for the good of our families and the situation in general. I have always wanted a descent sized family and after having two children with disabilities my dreams were crushed to some degree. My husband and I both want more kids but being faced with a 75% chance of bringing another child into the world that would have some sort of disability with out knowing the severity of that disability put a damper in our plans. There are a lot of people that would call that irresponsible and selfish. My husband struggles with the thought of having another child that would more than likely be disabled so we came to the conclusion that actually having another baby was probably not going to happen.

I was devistated by this. The thought of not having more kids really upsets me. I was discussing this with my daughters therapist and she mentioned fostering. I did some research before my husband came home and found that it was something I was STRONGLY drawn to. I sort of feel that this is my calling. Shaunn and I have been discussing this now for a few days and I have an orientation on Tuesday evening to get the process started. He still has some concerns and I'm glad that he is so grounded because I have to admit at times I am full throttle and if I want it I will do anything in my power to get it.

Most of my family and friends have been VERY supportive and I appreciate their faith in me. Other's question my ability to handle this. They question me as a mother. Those folks have truely disappointed me. I think given my circumstances I am doing a good job. I have my moments but I think for the most part I do my best to give my kids all they need and more.

I look forward to the opportunity to have more children. To have more chaos. Disabled or not any child that I come into contact with will be loved and shown what a REAL family should function like. One thing that has some people worried is my ability to let go when a child is reunited with their birth parents. I have no doubt in my mind that it will be VERY difficult. I know full well that I'm facing heart ache when it comes to that. I also know that as long as I view it as a positive for the child that I will survive.

I'm so anxiouse to begin this process. I can't wait to get the first call telling me that a little one needs me. I'm not very good at anything. I'm not an artist, or a work horse, or skilled in any department to be honest. One thing I think I am good at is being a mom. I am good at taking care of children and I'm good at providing them with a loving nurturing home. I have a passion for it. I always said that I was born in the wrong era, I should have been born when it was natural for woman to stay home with the kids and be home makers.

If you are one of the folks that is skeptical about my abilities or my strength in general when it comes to being able to handle this, please give me some credit. Know that I will not blindly go into this with some fairy tale picture in my head. These kids have been through a lot. This will be hard. I WILL get educated as much as humanly possible prior to taking on any children.

Keep in mind that a lot of you that are skeptical are the same folks that questioned me about having the two kids I have. I was told I was too young, that I should abort, and that I should surrender my children to be adopted before they were even born. I may be young, but I'm not an idiot. I know what I'm capable of and what I'm not capable of. If I get to the point during training that I don't feel I can handle this, I will stop the process. If you love me then support me and be there for me instead of being negative and telling me what I CAN'T do. I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to.