Falling apart

Seldom do mom's actually vent about how they really feel. I think for the most part we as mothers hide our real feelings of anger, frustration, betrayal, and over all feeling of being un appreciated.

Every day my husband goes to work at 4am. He drives 45 minutes to the other side of town and spends all day until 3pm working to support his family. He has always pushed through to make sure our family has everything we need. I am appreciative of all he does to make sure that we can continue to provide a home and food for our children. However when his day ends at 3pm from work everything ends.

I start my day at roughly 9am by waking up to my children usually fighting in their room over the baby monitor. I get up walk across the hall and let them out of their room. Frequently I am greated by my 4 year old smiling and clapping only to find that she has stripped her younger 3 year old sister of her diaper thus creating a massive mess of pee and poop. If that hasn't happened I get them dressed and we head downstairs. I make breakfast, clean it up and allow them to play. Throughout the day my children thrash my house and I walk behind them cleaning up. I make lunch clean them and my table up. Then I take them upstairs for nap time because by this time I'm ready to pull my hair out. Nap time doesn't actually consist of them sleeping although God knows that would be nice. Instead it often consists of my oldest tormenting her sister to death so that I end up running up and down the stairs 40 times. I try to do whatever cleaning that has either not been done or was destroyed at the hands of 2 toddlers while they are "napping". This usually lasts for about an hour and then they are aloud to come down. By this time my husband has arrived home and says hello, gives a hug and kiss, and plops down on the couch with his computer. He checks a couple things and then puts the computer away and lays around until bedtime. In the mean time I cook dinner and feed my family. Every now and again my husband will either cook dinner or collect the plates at the end of dinner and place them in the dishwasher. By this time it's bed time for my girls and I take them up and bathe them, dress them, administer medicine and bring them in their room. My husband comes up gives kisses and says good night and it's lights out for my girls. His night is over at this point. He heads upstairs and goes to bed. My night however has just begun. I have to clean the entire downstairs, clean upstairs, do whatever laundry that needs to be done, work on my math homework and hope to be in bed by 3am so that I can pry myself out of bed when my kids wake up.

Now, I do appreciate the fact that my husband attempts to make strides to help me. This has been a huge battle in our marrige and continues to be. Both of our daughters have a brain disease that renders them "developmentally disabled". I am exhausted. I try so hard to be this picture perfect mother but I'm failing. I feel like I have become a doormat for my family. My 4 year old does not listen to a word I say. No punishment has changed this. My 3 year old is relatively well behaved but has a clingy mommy issue. She is constantly attached to me and if I don't sit with her or have a hold of her in some way she lets out a wild screech that pierces my brain. By the end of my day I'm so drained emotionally and physically that it's all I can do to keep from sobbing hysterically. Sitting here writing this all I can think about is an escape. Just me alone on a beach somewhere far. No noise, no people, no stress just the beach, a towel and a cold beer.

Im so incredibly excited to start school, if for nothing more than an escape I am excited.

I'm bummed....