Simply amazing....

So today was probably the best day of my life. Unfortunately...I can't tell you why just yet. Someday soon I will be able to scream from the roof tops why it was so great but for now I'll stick to updating you on stuff. Austin is still in search of a job and continues everyday to search out any type of employment he can find. The man still treats me like a Goddess even though I don't always deserve it. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would find a man like him. I am so happy to call him mine and to know that he loves me just as much as I love him. This relationship is so healthy and happy it's almost scary. To go from someone that never cared about my needs to someone who focuses soley on making me happy is insane. Now to skip to a totally different topic, my life changes. I am so proud of myself...I don't mean to toot my own horn but I have made so many positive changes. I don't go to the bar anymore and I have found that this brings me so much happiness. I used to get black out drunk and act like an idiot and now my focus is soley on those that bring positivity to my life. I have dropped so many friends because of this change but the way I see it if they brought negativity to my life they were never really friends in the first place. Another change is my relationship with God. Today Austin and I begin a six week christian based course for strengthening our family. I'm really excited to begin this journey with the man I love. I feel like this is just another step he and I are taking in ensuring we have a long happy life together. I don't ever want us to feel like we have lost touch. I want to learn from my mistakes of the past and build a relationship with a strong foundation in God. I'm so blessed to have found a man that is willing to take this journey with me. In closing life is so good right now even though I'm really poor lol. -Lainy

Frustration and hard times

We often hear the phrase "when it rains it poors" but it is becoming more and more apparent in my life that this statement is extremely valid. I filed for divorce last week and in the past 4 weeks have been working very hard at not only being a better person but being a better spouse. Since this change in my life my spouse, the usuallly mild mannored (fairly submissive) man in my life has done a complete 180 and been unusually nasty to me. I find myself wondering if there is ever a middle ground. A time when both parties are on the same page and functioning as a team that loves and respects one another. I was previously married for six years and with the man I thought was "the one" for 10 years. I invested so much time and energy in something that didn't work. This makes me question everything.

As a an adult (26) woman with two "special needs" kids that is not fully divorced I find myself second guessing myself. Am I worth the love and respect I feel I deserve? Being the strong minded highly intelligent woman that I am should I "settle" for the sake of having a companion? This is not to say that I feel I am settling now however, if I am to be treated poorly dispite my efforts to be the best me, mom, and spouse I can be is it wrong to question my relationship? I understand the difficulty in changing ones schedule as my spouse has recently. He went from working a night job in the night life entertainment business to working a traditional 9-5 sort of a job. I understand the stress he must feel but at the same time I'm officially putting on paper that I am cutting all ties with the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with and I try my hardest to wake with a smile and no matter what happens to keep that smile all day.

I am far from perfect. I do try my hardest to accomodate everyone (my biggest downfall) and it never seems to pan out. I have gone as far as elemenating people that I loved dearly from my life so that I as a mother and an adult woman can grow and be a better person. To have the one person I want approval from to treat me with such disreguard is so disheartening. I have had many awfull things said about me and I could care a less. It effects me yes, however those people don't know me from Adam and really can't speak to my character as a person.

I know all of this is a jumble of bs but I had to put words to paper so to speak to keep myself from beating someone senseless so this is the result.....

Hope everyone is in good health and happiness! Happy Easter

Lainy