Hard decisions and new found hope

Some times in life we are handed difficult decisions. Our wants have to take the back burner for the good of our families and the situation in general. I have always wanted a descent sized family and after having two children with disabilities my dreams were crushed to some degree. My husband and I both want more kids but being faced with a 75% chance of bringing another child into the world that would have some sort of disability with out knowing the severity of that disability put a damper in our plans. There are a lot of people that would call that irresponsible and selfish. My husband struggles with the thought of having another child that would more than likely be disabled so we came to the conclusion that actually having another baby was probably not going to happen.

I was devistated by this. The thought of not having more kids really upsets me. I was discussing this with my daughters therapist and she mentioned fostering. I did some research before my husband came home and found that it was something I was STRONGLY drawn to. I sort of feel that this is my calling. Shaunn and I have been discussing this now for a few days and I have an orientation on Tuesday evening to get the process started. He still has some concerns and I'm glad that he is so grounded because I have to admit at times I am full throttle and if I want it I will do anything in my power to get it.

Most of my family and friends have been VERY supportive and I appreciate their faith in me. Other's question my ability to handle this. They question me as a mother. Those folks have truely disappointed me. I think given my circumstances I am doing a good job. I have my moments but I think for the most part I do my best to give my kids all they need and more.

I look forward to the opportunity to have more children. To have more chaos. Disabled or not any child that I come into contact with will be loved and shown what a REAL family should function like. One thing that has some people worried is my ability to let go when a child is reunited with their birth parents. I have no doubt in my mind that it will be VERY difficult. I know full well that I'm facing heart ache when it comes to that. I also know that as long as I view it as a positive for the child that I will survive.

I'm so anxiouse to begin this process. I can't wait to get the first call telling me that a little one needs me. I'm not very good at anything. I'm not an artist, or a work horse, or skilled in any department to be honest. One thing I think I am good at is being a mom. I am good at taking care of children and I'm good at providing them with a loving nurturing home. I have a passion for it. I always said that I was born in the wrong era, I should have been born when it was natural for woman to stay home with the kids and be home makers.

If you are one of the folks that is skeptical about my abilities or my strength in general when it comes to being able to handle this, please give me some credit. Know that I will not blindly go into this with some fairy tale picture in my head. These kids have been through a lot. This will be hard. I WILL get educated as much as humanly possible prior to taking on any children.

Keep in mind that a lot of you that are skeptical are the same folks that questioned me about having the two kids I have. I was told I was too young, that I should abort, and that I should surrender my children to be adopted before they were even born. I may be young, but I'm not an idiot. I know what I'm capable of and what I'm not capable of. If I get to the point during training that I don't feel I can handle this, I will stop the process. If you love me then support me and be there for me instead of being negative and telling me what I CAN'T do. I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to.